crazy

 

1.mentally deranged; demented; insane.

 

2.senseless; impractical; totally unsound: a crazy scheme.

 

3.Informal. intensely enthusiastic; passionately excited: crazy about baseball.

 

4.Informal. very enamored or infatuated (usually followed by about  ): He was crazy about her.

 

5.Informal. intensely anxious or eager; impatient: I'm crazy to try those new skis. 

 

Yes, I have been crazy, most likely I still am ( though I could care less about anyone's new skis). I have been crazy with grief, confusion, in love, with frustration, with pain, with joy with other's opinions of how I bump along trying to do my best at any given moment to make sense of a frequently senseless existence. I do know that my pivotal desire is to be of service to those around me in any way that I can manage on any given day. I have asked for help, I have been given help. I am taking as good care of myself as I can, though it is a far cry from what I have been able to do in the past. I have removed other crazy people from my daily existence, have found relief from doing that but still am confused about where detaching with love and abandonment leave off and begin. I am immersed in an ocean of equal parts of joy and despair, with a modicum of insanity in the mix. I desire wholeness and structure, but find myself choosing the very things that destroy both. I am happiest when allowed to serve my community and find myself crippled and betrayed by my body and mind. I struggle with the knowledge that my current inability to change some of my more self destructive habits will likely have me leaving this earth way before I think I am done here. I guess that is the essence of powerlessness. Which is a feeling that follows me around most of the day, and not in the good way. I can feel the sparks of change burning in my heart and pray constantly for a conflagration of transition to alight and consume this craziness that plagues me. 

I am bolstered by my knowing that every time in my life that I have been in the soup of craziness, that there is always an awesome unimaginable (and I have a vivid imagination!) outcome and change that comes over me and those whom I associate with. But while swimming in the soup, whether it be a desperate dog paddle or a lazy back stroke, I find it hard to be patient and tolerant with my process. So as I drink my green smoothie boosted with chia seed, hemp protein and bee pollen while smoking a cigarette (I told I was crazy....) I pray yet again for sanity to fill up my cup again and for my life to get bigger and for communion with those that I love the deepest. So off I go to do some energy work on a little scared doggy while eating a piece of white cake with almond joy frosting that a friend made. Told you I was crazy.