Today would have been Doug's 60th birthday, I celebrated by going to bed last night @ 5:20 and with a couple of short interruptions, slept for 11+ hours, up this morning at 4:30 AM, aching from a fall yesterday and recuperating from 4 migraines in about 24 hours. I felt guilty to take so much of my precious time sound asleep but I am sure that I will be better off in the long (and short!) run for it. The kitchen is clean, a roasted chicken bubbling away on the stove for tonight's chicken soup supper and I am showered, dressed and enjoyed the dawn as it crested over the mountains this morning. I wrote Doug a little note on FB to acknowledge his natal day and sent his twin brother a birthday greeting. As is usually the case I wrote what came to me and it was "You are irreplaceable".
It is true, for all our challenges, ordinary and extraordinary, for all the time gone by without him, even in the face of a new and different love in my life. The space left by the essence of that man who was, as we all are, unique, precious and incapable of being filled by anyone else. God made that one of his divine mysteries, I have been told and I believe. Regardless of how awesome, unique and precious the next friend, child, lover or spouse who comes along is, they are not the one you lost. While I spend my times these days doing my work, taking care of myself and my loved ones and dreaming of the next chapter of my life, trying to serve my Creator to the best of my ability with a loving and honoring partner by my side, these anniversaries from my former life catch me up in a net of memories wonderful and not so....
While I understand that our only way is forward, I find myself taking the luxury of looking back and imagining what my life could have been like had all the loved ones that have passed on out of this world, stayed for a little while longer, my mom, my lost babies, my husband and many dear friends. It brings on the thought of how many opportunities I miss to spend more time with the ones that I still have here. The decision to stay in the Southwest, made mostly by gut instinct and more than a bit of praying, meditating and trying out the Northwest near my family for a short time, has proven to be a mixed blessing. I have a job that almost supports me, gives me autonomy and frees me up to continue to build my private practice, I have new friends, a supportive Bahai' community and a new loving partner. I don't have, close physical proximity to my children and grandchild, nearness to the remaining vestiges of my family of origin, the ocean, old friends or the seasons displayed in the fashion to which I have been accustom to them for most of my life (I really don't miss snow though). I don't have the familiarity of person, place or home that I once enjoyed. Those things are just as irreplaceable as Doug is. And just as impermanent.
I don't have the answers to any of these dilemmas of faith and spirit, just a few comments....
One, I have learned that while there is never enough time, love, money, will or faith there is always more of these, in fact more than can be imagined, if I just keep connected to God and grounded on this little planet.
Two, that while I have learned to do most things better and differently, that the learning is always just beginning. There will be lessons until my dying breath, if I am anything like all those that I have been honored to witness take theirs.
Three, that as long as I am open and willing that I will never run out of unique and precious humans to put my arms around and hold, even if for but a minute.
Four, that again if I am willing and open, I will be enfolded in arms that love me until the day that I return back to my Source.
And five, that I can shut out from my heart a myriad of opportunities to experience many irreplaceable moments if I am not constantly vigilant to see God in everyone who crosses my path.
So, today I celebrate the love and life that I shared with my sweet sweetie even as I extend my hand heart to another unique and irreplaceable loving man, and of that I am glad.
