Occasionally when the moon is full or close to full, I have a night like tonight. My body is tired around the edges, but my mind and heart are wholly awake. I fell asleep for a little while, and had a dream that ended with the realization that Doug was dead, really, truly gone. His dead face flashed before me with a new level of finality. I wasn't sad, just momentarily shocked and dismayed. How tenuous and short life is really, we go about our businesses, making plans, having dreams, seeking truths, being lost, perceiving that we have all the time in the world. We don't and no matter how tightly someone may hold us, no matter what we might wish and hope for, death will come and scoop us up when the time is right for God, not necessarily when it is right for our loved ones or for that matter ourselves. Jesse came here today to visit and to care for me this week when I have surgery on Tuesday. Kent will be with me also but this was planned way before we came together. It is a comforting to know that the two men who care for me the most are willing to shore me up as I surrender to this trauma. I know that I am loved to distraction by one of them, I also know that I am deeply known by the other. Amy is also staying for an extra day to provide transportation and support. lucky woman, I am.
After supper tonight, the 4 of us were sitting in the courtyard, saying goodbye to the day and enjoying the quiet of the night. The talk turned to loss, three of us are the survivors of spousal loss, in all 4 loved ones gone, a sobering and heart connecting fact of our collective lives.
So, I lay in the comfort of my bed and a loved one's arms and find no rest, only an uneasy mind and eyes that will not surrender to the night. I have learned that nights like these usually have something to teach me, even it is only how much I need sleep to function well. So I get up, make a cup of cocoa and I write. I used to read, but for some reason, emptying out my mind seems to work better than pouring more in there, even if it is just a trashy novel.
I am unimaginably grateful for my life and it's intricacies right now. It's not that I don't have challenges, I do, more than ever. Things like not spending enough time with people I truly love, not staying connected with family and friends the way I feel best about, not serving my community enough, not praying enough, not a lot of things. But in spite of my perceived failings, I have awe, wonder and true happiness for the first time in a while. I love my work, I have gotten a lot accomplished, I have kept promises to my patients, I have finished the mundane chores of my job, I have fit people in for the treatment that make them feel better, I have had friends visit and I have loved like I have never been hurt.
I have loved hard and allowed myself to be adored, I am surrendering to this next chapter of my life, whatever else that it might hold. I guess I might need some sleep to get through it and so I return to my bed to be drawn in and held close.
